Untangling the energy of love from the fear of control
(webinar info below- February 11, 2015 at 6 pm Mountain)by Ronna Prince, HeartMath & Radical Forgiveness Coach, Brain Tek Practitioner and Filmmaker, Sacred Journey of the Heart
Have you ever found yourself in a tense situation with a loved one, family or friend that was frustrating or annoying? Did you feel like whatever you said was misinterpreted, ignored or rebuffed? Or has a loved one suggested something to you that set you on edge, leaving you feeling criticized or attacked.
This happened to me a while ago, when my loved one suggested I do something different to improve my sleep patterns. It was a simple suggestion but I found myself feeling annoyed, criticized and rejected. I even had a few imaginary conversations with him to practice what I was going to say -you know, “give him a piece of my mind!” Then Whoa! I had an aha moment… I realized that he was suggesting this to me because he loves me, not because he was trying to control me. (Any by the way, when you want to give someone a “piece of your mind”, it is invariably connected to shutting off a chunk of your heart!)
The reality is that a person who loves us is always “involved” with us on many levels…. and being invOLVEd contains the letters “IN LOVE”! So how did I confuse his loving involvement with control? And even more importantly, how could I EVOLve my consciousness of this issue without LOVE? Well, the answer is, I couldn’t. It was time to make a different, clear-hearted choice.
A KEY to making the choice to give and receive from a clear heart is learning to untangle the emotion and expression love from a deeply seated fear of being controlled by a loved one. The truth is that love and fear cannot reside in the same space- so in my view, this is the most important relationship issue to heal.
Here are some signs of an entanglement with love and fear of control:
- Petty arguments that repeat over and over and are not resolved with love
- Getting annoyed when you are asked to do something small for a loved one (such as “Will you please pick up my dry cleaning on the way home?” or “Would you mind mailing this letter for me?”)
- Putting off or avoiding physical intimacy, including no longer holding hands or giving neck and back rubs or neglecting to just touching your loved one in passing
- Not listening with your full attention when your loved one is talking to you
- Feeling resentment when your loved one makes suggestions about something you could do differently or better
- Saying nasty little things in your head about your loved one
- Faking your actions or reactions in any way at all.
The question is: Why do we do this? Just looking at the list, it seems obvious that these are relationship busters and petty behaviors that we should have grown out of when we grew up!
But the problem is, many of us never really grew up understanding that love does not mean control! We experienced a lot of things our parents did to us or for us, as controlling us. For the most part, this is a healthy part of growing up with parents who had reasonable rules and good personal boundaries. But if there were some unhealthy connections between love and control, we most likely have carried these into our significant relationships. Over time, our behaviors will crop up in insidious ways to undermine the foundation of our primary love relationships as adults.
So what is the solution? It is learning to untangle the reality of love from a fear of being controlled by a loved one.
Here are a few suggestions to begin the process of “untanglement” – this leads to what I call “A Clear Heart”. Because if your heart is cluttered with fear of being controlled by someone who is simply trying to love you, you are pushing away the very thing that can heal you. (And by the way, I love the topic of quantum entanglement in relationship! The idea is that at all times, we are with exactly the right person to mirror a greater whole that consists of two parts coming together in a “spooky dance”!)
I have defined 3 categories that are all involved in the process of letting go of entanglement and 4 ways to change the resulting patterns:
Cognitive: these are a series of questions to ask yourself from a Clear Heart space. I will share some examples below. This “Clear Heart” practice involves using your thoughts and emotions, largely based on things that you already know. This process can begin the journey of relationship healing.. but it only gets you so far because most of the entanglement occurs at a subconscious, unconscious AND physiological levels. Emotional love-control entanglement is deeply rooted in learned behaviors and belief systems imposed on you before you were able to make your own decisions. So the next two categories are where the real transformation happens.
Spiritual: In order to untangle love and control issues at a deeper level, I believe that engaging in a spiritual practice is very important. If you realize that you have been impacted by unhealthy beliefs around love and control, spiritual practices such as meditation and prayer are essential to evolve beyond the little self or the ego. I also practice the 5 steps of Radical Forgiveness and live a RF-based lifestyle. Radical Forgiveness is a powerful system developed by Colin Tipping that “busts” your victim stories and provides you with a step-by-step process of empowerment. (see link below for a recorded webinar during which I discuss how RF works.)
Physiological: I use two more powerful modalities that address the two places that our emotions and thoughts about things get entangled: our heart and our brain. Without learning how to consciously manage these two important organs, we get limited results with cognitive and spiritual practices. These two modalities are HeartMath tools and techniques and Brain Tek’s Behavioral Relationship Entrainment Program. (Both of these are discussed in detail in earlier blog posts.) The good news is that both of these practices are effective, easy and convenient to learn and to use on a regular basis in the privacy of your own home. With the HeartMath practices, you learn how to harness the physiological power of your heart to decrease stress, increase a genuine connection with yourself and others and develop creative heart-based solutions to any situation.
But for me, the real “missing link” has been in the physiological neural wiring in the brain. If your brain is wired through repetition and conditioning to interpret events as dangerous, controlling or fearful, no amount of cognitive processing, spiritual practice or heart coherence activity can over-ride a deep-brain based pattern. What Brain Tek’s program does, is to free up stuck neural patterns and create more effective neural connections so that you CAN consistently and effectively put all the other techniques in to practice.
If you are interested in learning about exactly how this works and hearing about the real results I have experienced with myself and my clients, watch this webinar presentation I offered last month.
I am offering a 20% discount on the 6 week BRE program for the first 3 people who sign up for the program. It is easy, effective, lasting and life-changing! Contact me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
The Clear Heart Practice: Questions to Untangle love from fear
Before entering into the clear heart practice, I do a short meditation and an innovative heart-connection that I’ve developed over the years. I will be sharing this specific technique in a free webinar in February (See below for details).
Sample questions in the Clear Heart Practice:
- Am I open to receiving love or am I blocking love out of fear?
- Is my loved one really trying to control me or is he/she simply loving me and trying to help?
- What am I afraid will happen if I do what is being asked of me?
- Do I need to be right more than I desire to be loved? – a popularized phrase but very powerful in the context of the Clear Heart practice.
- What is stopping me from reaching out to my loved one?
- Am I willing to let go of fear of rejection and put this into application?
- Am I willing to own my projections and love the part of myself that is afraid of not being worthy of love? (a Key Radical Forgiveness principal).
These questions are just one way to begin to untangle old patterns and open to love from the clear heart. Join me in learning more about the integration of these practices!
Title: Creating from a Clear Heart
Date & Time: Wednesday, February 11th at 6:00pm Mountain
Attend by Phone: (audio only)
Guest pin code: 339751#
Primary dial in number: (425) 440-5100
Secondary dial in number: (619) 471-1669
Full list of dial in Numbers:
Event Page: (Audio with Power Point slides!)
Happy Heart Month!
Are you ready for the holidays or are you like me, doing last minute shopping and meal planning? In the midst of last minute activities, it seems like I’m bombarded by “last chance” emails, ads and signs everywhere I look. Today, I’m pondering “last chances” – of which there really are very few in life, and “second chances” – what we gift to ourselves and others when make new choices.
When you think about it for a minute, there are truly very few things in life that are last chances…. But if we end up missing a last chance at something important, it can be really hard to let go of feelings of regret and move on… and in looking back, we can easily end up missing second chances that are right there in front of us now. In this article, I’ll share with you 3 ways to shift out of last chanc-ing.
The problem with last chance thinking and acting is twofold and it runs on a very powerful emotion-based program.
Here is the problem with last-chances: 1) they prey on our tendency toward impulsivity, bypassing the higher-brain processes of reason and logic and, 2) they pull at our heart-strings, typically in ways that deplete our energy… as in “I should do x, y, or z, or else….”
This is because “last chances” are tied into old wired-in emotional patterns of fear and regret. Fear and regret are very powerful because they keep us looking backward at the past and/or lock us into anxiety about the future never presenting us with an opportunity again.
When we dissect it this way, it’s easy to see how dysfunctional last chance thinking and acting really is!
Here is a personal example I just experienced. My younger brother, John, today is happy, well-adjusted, employed and in a committed relationship. Five years ago, he was homeless, alone and literally wandering in the desert in Arizona. I didn’t know if he was alive or dead. He had been missing for about 3 years. The last time I saw him was in 2007 when I left him at a rehab center for indigent people. He had spiraled into alcoholism after our mom died in 2002 and his wife left him. He had run out of “one last chances” with me as I had learned how to stop enabling his addiction.
A few years later in 2010, I was playing the Radical Forgiveness game called “Satori” that is featured in my film, Sacred Journey of the Heart. Satori is a board game created by Colin Tipping, that takes the players through all 5 steps of Radical Forgiveness that I depict in the film. Playing the game results in reframing issues to a new perspective that literally shifts reality in small and sometimes huge ways.
Each player “randomly” selects an issue from a stack of cards and plays the game around that particular issue. The card I picked for the game that day in 2010 was “Alcohol and Drugs have affected your life” and the context was Family. So obviously, I was being led to dive deep into Radical Forgiveness about my brother John’s alcoholism. It was one of the toughest games of Satori I ever played. Through the process, I was able to look at how I still blamed myself for not doing enough for him, not just through his addiction, but when we were growing up and I was trying to fill in for an absent dad and a stressed out mom who had gone to back to school to get her master’s degree after her divorce. I was able to shift into a new perspective about the events around his addiction and see what the experience did “for” me vs “to” me. It helped me untangle my lack of self-forgiveness and enter into deep forgiveness for my brother and through him, for myself.
Literally 10 days after I played the Satori game in August 2010, my brother was found in the desert, brought back to our hometown in the Midwest and entered into a very strict rehab program. All he had to his name was a change of clothes. He didn’t even have an ID card. Less than 10% of the people entering the rehab program complete it. My brother was one of the successful graduates.
Today, he is sober, he has rebuilt his life, he has a good job and he is living in a committed and happy relationship. It is a miracle that was built on radical forgiveness, his hard work, the support of many people and the second chance he received to start again.
The other day he called to ask me for a recipe of one of our mom’s favorite holiday breakfast casseroles. I told him it was in the 3-ring binder book that my mom gave to each one of us before she died. The book contained her favorite recipes, favorite poems and the original artwork and poetry she created as she was dying from brain cancer. It was a gift we all cherished because it contained so many fond memories and her expressions of love which came through her cooking, poetry and art.
John reminded me that he had lost the book of our mom’s precious gift. I said to myself, “Ah! That’s right! He had literally lost every single thing he owned from his past.”
Of course, I emailed him the recipe right away but in that moment, I knew what to give my brother this Christmas. One by one, I copied each page from the 3 ring binder book from our mother. The recipes are in black and white, the artwork and poetry are in color – about 250 pieces of paper and several hours of my time were spent in gratitude that my mom left us such an amazing gift. And in deep gratitude that my brother had not at all “lost” this part of his past: the legacy of love from our mom that I could give back to him.
I believe that there are always second chances for love. Radical Forgiveness opened my heart in 2010 and I got my brother back. And my brother is getting the gift from our mother back!
I’ve continued my exploration of emotions and the brain, the heart and the mind since 2010. I’ve discovered that doing the HeartMath program, Voyage to Heart Intelligence, activates the power of our hearts and creates many second chances for love and great moment-to-moment connections with the present moment.
And my latest discovery, Brain Tek’s brain wave entrainment program, caps it all off by unwiring stuck pathways in the brain that tend to resurface during stressful times. Brain Tek’s personalized sound therapies literally create new pathways in the brain that end worry, rumination, anxiety and procrastination.
I will be comparing all three programs next Monday, December 29th 2014 at 5 pm Mountain time. My primary focus will be Brain Tek – if you’ve missed my other free webinars, here’s your second chance to learn how to permanently change old patterns and give yourself the gift of living in the present!
For information on how to join the free webinar email: email@example.com
3 techniques that work quickly and easily!
As I revealed in the film, Sacred Journey of the Heart, like so many others, I experienced child abuse growing up. It colored every aspect of my life as an adult, from friendships, to intimate relationships, to jobs and to parenting. I was always on the lookout, waiting for the next bad thing to happen so I could be prepared. Talk about a waste of energy! Not to mention the present moments I missed by being on the defensive.
However, I am dedicated to the path of healing and I have tried more healing modalities that I can name. But it was in the making of the film itself, that deep and lasting freedom began to emerge for me. As I know it can for you too. And the good news is that it isn’t as hard as you might think!
The rest of this article is for you if you’ve ever had thoughts of:
- “I’m not good enough.”
- “What I want or say doesn’t really matter to others.”
- “I’m stuck.” or
- “No matter how hard I try, things just don’t change.”
Isn’t it time to be free of those self-limiting beliefs? Aren’t YOU worth the investment in 30 minutes a day to free yourself of these patterns?
My personal journey:
Like many people, things looked good on the outside – family, job, all the material things we accumulate to give us comfort, but on the inside, I felt like a fake. I just hoped no one noticed that I was afraid of being found out, and that I felt unworthy to be making a film about the heart’s journey when my heart still periodically was wrenched with pain, guilt and self-doubt. You know what they say: “You teach what you most need to learn.”
I was in the process of truly learning to liberate my heart and it took me to the place of deepest healing: the healing of false and self-limiting beliefs.
The Three Techniques:
Like Dr. Rocco Errico says in the film: “Healing the heart is like a diet, no one size fits all.”
So I’ll share with you 3 techniques, all which are aimed at deep heart healing and lead to true freedom from the past.
If you’ve seen the film, you know that the first turning point for me was Radical Forgiveness, a 5 step process developed by Colin Tipping. These 5 steps in a nutshell are: telling your story (Briefly), feeling your feelings, collapsing the story (separating the facts from the fiction you made up around it), reframing the story (shifting out of the victim mode) and then integrating your new story. You can see these 5 steps in action in Chapter 2 of the film, “How We Heal”. This is an amazing and quick process. I offer my coaching clients a 3 session RF package that creates lasting change.
The second technique I learned in making the film was the Freeze Frame technique created by the Institute of HeartMath. This is another 5 step process where you learn to bring in the power of your heart’s intuition to quickly get to the “heart of the matter”, and integrate a more efficient attitude, action or solution to the issue you are facing. I teach this in the 4 week “Voyage to Heart Intelligence” program, a proprietary program that can only be taught by licensed HeartMath Coaches.
The third and latest technique I’ve learned is how to get at the very cellular level of limiting beliefs that are carried inside each cell and that create a dissonant vibration that effects our health, feelings and sense of well-being. This is a technique created by Dr. Alex Loyd. I will be featuring my interview of him and a very special offer for you to be introduced to his teachings in the next newsletter.
For those of you who don’t want to wait, email me and I will send you a special access code to my interview and offer. With this approach I feel that the healing is coming full circle, all the way to the cellular level of heart-pictures that were formed before I even knew what was happening. It’s been another journey of deep liberation and completes the healing cycle, giving rise to True Independence from the past hurts. It creates a new sense of freedom to determine exactly how I will respond in any situation, how I choose to react when things happen and how I have become even more liberated from external circumstance as a dependent factor in my own inner peace.
Happy Freedom Day!
Have you ever had one of those days when things were just not working out? I had one of those days yesterday and rather than bore you with the details, I’ll just share what I did to get out of the pits and into the place of positive perspective. I call it L-A-U-G-H! And I share my “laugh resources” below. But first, did you know that on Tuesday, May 6, a new world laughter record was set by 1,950 elders in Dada Dadi park in Borivli, India? Here’s a great photo of the group in action!
We know that laughter can be the best medicine. Norman Cousins’ groundbreaking work on laughter changed the way we think about emotion and healing 38 years ago. Read the rest of this entry
Have you ever had an experience in your life so challenging that your heart physically hurt? These are the occurrences in life that give rise to the term “heartache” or “broken hearted”. I’ve had a recent experience with this feeling which gives me the opportunity to dive deeper into my own heart and practice the process of using the power in my heart that I talk about all the time.
My heart hurt when I found out that someone I trusted and supported was attempting to blame me and my company for something that occurred in their own life. It was difficult to believe that this was happening because my mission is to continue to help people heal their own heart-hurts by teaching honoring and empowering ways of forgiving and stepping out of the victim role. So I was essentially facing a choice: do I curl up and give up OR do I stand up and keep on going with the mission and vision of Sacred Journey of the Heart?
Well, for me there really is only one choice. As CS Lewis said, “courage, dear heart.”
I discovered that when heartache is happening, there is a frequency disturbance that occurs in the whole body that actually looks like a chaotic, dissonant pattern. This is similar but different than HeartMath’s heart rate variability definition of coherence. HeartMath’s coherence is defined as “an optimal state in which the heart, mind and emotions are all aligned and in synch.” The definition of coherence goes on as: “Physiologically the immune, hormonal and nervous systems function in a state of energetic communication.” In this state, the autonomic nervous system is resonating at a perfect 0.1 Hertz frequency and one’s heart rate variability pattern looks like a smooth wave. I’ve written a lot about this in prior blogs. This is a state of balance that feels really good.
But what happens in our bodies when we encounter a major upset? Every cell of our body can resonate with a “Chaotic hertz” frequency. High levels of chaotic hertz will impact every major organ system and also activate old emotional patterns of destructive cellular memories that Dr. Bruce Lipton talked about in his pioneering book, “The Biology of Belief.”
What I’ve discovered recently, is that during a heartache time, it’s more difficult to get into and stay in this 0.1 hertz frequency of coherence. I’ve experienced this myself and talked about it extensively with my HeartMath and Radical Forgiveness coaching clients. But in perfect timing, I recently came across the work of Dr. Alex Loyd, creator of the Master Key and author of the bestselling book “The Healing Code”. I’ve learned from Dr. Loyd that there is a specific heart-healing frequency that has to do more with the heart itself, vs the heart as it regulates the central nervous system. The specific frequency that Dr. Loyd uses in his technology is 528Hz, which equates to “e” or “mi” on the Gregorian 6 tone musical scale. This is certainly not new information but it came back to my attention at a very important time, just when I needed it!
Here’s an artistic depiction from Dr. Loyd, of what this chaotic hertz might look like:
Courtesy of Dr. Alex Loyd
And here, interestingly enough, is an actual readout from HeartMath’s emWave2 device , which measures physiological heart rate variability:
Pretty interesting connection, isn’t it?
Also, from HeartMath and in from hundreds of my own similar sessions on the emWave2, is the pattern of physiological coherence when we are feeling appreciation and gratitude:
I am so very grateful to have encountered Dr. Loyd’s work, thanks to Doug Parks a wonderful man who is a “people connector”. Doug connected me with Dr. Bruce Lipton who I interviewed in last September’s telesummuit, “The Science and Art of Opening Your Heart”. And thanks to Doug again, I’ve connected with Dr. Loyd who will be one of my special guests for the next telesummit, “The Science and Art of Healing Your Heart.” Dr. Loyd has graciously agreed to share his latest discoveries on heart healing and the frequency of Love, or 528 Hertz as part of June telesummit. (See below for more information about my guests and the broadcast dates!)
I have been a long-time fan of binaural tone technology and in fact, I’m listening to the Monroe Institute audio as write this article. The Monroe Institute pioneered the field of binarul beat research and created “Hemi-Synch”, a wonderful technology for regulating the body. Dr. Loyd, in my opinion, takes this technology even further as he incorporates the 528 Hertz musical tone into his audios and videos for amazing heart-healing. I’ve been using his system for just two weeks, and while I still experience some intense emotions about what I’ve experienced, I can say the my heart is no longer hurting. I attribute this to incorporating the Heart- Hertz frequency into my other daily practices of my own Heart Shift meditation*, using my HeartMath emWave and doing lots of radical forgiveness worksheets!
*My new gift to you will be online soon: a 20 minute guided meditation to shift your heart from guarded and defended, to open and free!
So I invite you all to share your own heart-healing experiences and to set the stage for the upcoming telesummit, The Science and Art of Healing Your Heart.